The 'Journey Continues': A YEAR OF LOVE AND SUPPORT
I moved into the Haven on 26th May 2005. I remember how I felt on the journey from Hertford to the Haven. My whole world had come crashing down around me and was in pieces. I genuinely did not know what to do or what to expect. I was moving into a hostel for the homeless. I still reel today when I think back to that moment in my life when the realisation of my situation finally sunk in. I had been through some rough times but this was a new and very different feeling. It would be an understatement to say that I was merely scared. It was much more than that. I was truly lost. I knocked on the door of the Haven and was greeted by a woman called Sue. Sue let me in and I was introduced to Andy. My sister was not allowed inside, which only added to the isolation and fear I was feeling. I remember sitting in the office with Andy whilst we went through all the formalities and paperwork. I was in a daze. Andy and Sue have been of tremendous support, and they were both quite aware that I was not functioning very effectively. I could not really take in everything Andy was saying. I just kept thinking how has my life come to this?
I didn't settle into The Haven very easily. I was very withdrawn and didn't mix well with the other residents. It was nothing to do with them. It was me. I was so wrapped up in self pity that I didn't have time for anyone else.
As time progressed I started to relax a little. The staff made me feel very cared for and the residents started to talk a bit more freely to me. I started to see a counsellor and a drug and alcohol support worker and things started to seem better. I have never really had a big drug problem so they were easy to put down but the alcohol is really quite another matter. For the first time in my life I really began to consider the possibility that I might actually be an alcoholic. I started going to AA but never really gave it any real effort.
I had a court date looming in September for an incident with my then girlfriend and I felt physically sick every time I thought of it. So I tried not to but it was really hard. I was also in the process of bankruptcy and as a result my house repossession was imminent. All this was down to excessive alcohol abuse. I felt smothered and could not see any way out of a dreadful situation. So I started, like most alcoholics would, to drink heavily. I remember being at a friends bar-b-q and as I helped with the cooking (I say helped. I did it all.) he presented me with a litre and a half of Vodka which I was to send to my neighbour in Kent for his help looking after all my furniture. Needless to say I didn't send it. I am an alcoholic with no money so why would I send it? That really was my selfish way of thinking. The court case came and went. I felt like a massive weight had been lifted. I was fined, had to pay damages and was given a years probation. I asked that the Court make part of the probation order to meet regularly with an alcohol counsellor which they were more than happy to do.
I was given the opportunity by The Haven to move into a pilot scheme move on accommodation which was the best news I had had in ages. I had also managed to stop drinking and moved into a lovely three bedroom maisonette. It is close to my family and is extremely comfortable. I get on very well with the two other residents.
I had not had a drink for 3 months but it was now Christmas and I suffered a serious relapse. I was so disgusted with myself. It was then that I really started to consider AA seriously. I went to meetings every night and went to The Living Room on a daily basis for 2 months. I began to feel that I had beaten the alcohol and I became almost arrogant about recovery. I went to my sisters 40th at the end of March and started to drink again. I relapsed for 7 days solid. I drank enough to kill a person. It nearly killed me and I was rushed to hospital suffering with hallucinations and exhaustion. I spent 5 days in hospital being nursed back to health.
When I came out of hospital I vowed never to drink again and upped my meetings. I got a sponsor and started back on the road to recovery. I continued to see all the support workers and health professionals and have been making excellent progress. I think that being temporarily housed in the maisonette has greatly helped me come to terms with alcoholism. I have relapsed a few times but never to the degree I did in March. I can only continue to work hard at recovery and utilise all the love and support that I have had around me in the last year.
Eamonn: An ex-resident of Chris Foster House featured in our 2005 Annual Review and who is now a Haven 2 resident.